I've had many weird
dreams in my life. But the dreams that get to me are the ones you wake up from
feeling like part of you hasn't. Like some element from the dream is hanging
around inside your head. That feeling always freaks me out.
Last year I had
a reoccurring nightmare about being lost in a hotel and looking for my room
while hearing a kid singing the first stanza of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star over and over. I always woke up with
the song stuck in my head and it really turned me off to the tune after a month
or so. I've had that weird feeling for hours after waking up each time that part
of me was still in a dream. It's hard to explain unless you've experienced it
yourself.
This lasted about
a two months, maybe three. I wasn't exactly keeping track at the time. Then I
took a trip to New York, which was a first for me so I was super excited. The
dream had ceased for a couple weeks at this point and wasn't even on my mind
when I checked into the hotel.
Something was making
me really uneasy during check in. After a few seconds it hit me, I could hear Twinkle Twinkle Little Star from one of
the halls that opened into the atrium. It was a little girl's voice singing it.
I tried shaking it off, telling myself silly coincidences happen. After the
clerk gave me my key I got into the elevator just in time for a family of four
to walk past towards the front doors.
The little girl
stopped mid song and turned to look at me. She said as the door closed between
us "Mommy! It's the man from my dream!"
Point: Coincidences do happen...
Word Count: (298)
Reading this over again still creeps me out in the best way possible! In order to make this more powerful make the sentences more descriptive. Instead of telling us make us feel how uncomfortable you felt! For example. Last year I had my first reoccurring dream. I was frantically running around the hotel trying to escape the eerie sound of a little girl's voice singing the first stanza of Twinkle Twinkle Litter Star. <--This edit makes it sound more intense and flows better. I think what you have is really great and the tension builds without the reader knowing it, but being more descriptive never hurts! Great Job, I am looking forward to the final product!
ReplyDeleteLoved listening to this in class and actually get to be able to read it and analyze it. This really is turning into a creepy and scary story and I can't wait to see the final video you make! I think my only main advice is use some more descriptive detail. The final paragraph can be taken to a whole new level of creepiness with some different word choices, but I love the story line.
ReplyDeleteThis was amazing! I was hooked from the start and was freaked out in the end. Only advice I can give is in the last paragraph. When you say the girl stopped mid song, do you mean she was singing the whole time she walked to the elevator? If so, I think you should state that in the second to last paragraph (when the girl walks into the elevator), and then show us how creeped out you were that the girl from your dream was singing the song. Overall, amazing.
ReplyDeleteWow, Fantastic story, I was captured by what may happen I cannot wait for the visuals on this!
ReplyDeleteThis story was very strong and you did very well holding off the point but also keeping us readers hooked to every word. Great story, well written, and very a odd experience
ReplyDelete